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RSS FeedWhether you’re an adoptee, or gave someone up for adoption, or just have a ton of common sense, I would appreciate some advice.
I was talking to my younger sister and she brought up the names of some of the people we used to know in high school, and I did a google search on one I’ll call “Brenda Yarverver”. (The name is made up for reasons that will become obvious. This is going to sound like a Dear Abby letter or something, just giving you fair warning.)
I found an adoption site that mentioned Brenda Yarverver. The girl that posted it said she was looking for her birth mother, Brenda Yarverver. She said she was given up for adoption and wanted any information about Brenda. All the details posted matched everything I knew about Brenda Yarverer, including her unique name and other information.
Here’s the sticky part: The last time I saw/heard from Brenda she was unwed, pregnant, doing drugs and involved in criminal fraud. As a matter of fact, that’s why I stopped associating with her because she seemed to be heading in a totally different direction than I.
So, do I email the girl and tell her, “Sorry, I don’t know much about your mom, the last time I saw her, she was asking me for money while high as a kite, pregnant with you and dating a man that had her using stolen credit cards?”
Is it better to leave her in the dark about her mother, or do you think she would rather know the truth? Personally, I can’t decide if I would rather know or not. What do you think?
4 Comments
1.
Mark Diebel commented on September 21, 2008 at 9:51 am
Speaking as an adoptee who has met his mom…and his father’s family… it it fine to disclose the truth. There is an old saying, “the truth shall set you free.” Granted, it sounds like it might be not altogether happy, but then that adoptee already has some unhappy facts at the root of her life. She has a lot of strength already to have begun the search.
You are also unaware of her broader support system (as am I) but because she is already searching, she probably is not alone in the process of discovery. Please tell her what you know without hesitation: tell her everything.
Who knows, maybe the mom has turned around her life? or will?
2.
Theresa commented on September 22, 2008 at 1:55 pm
I can’t say it any better than Mark did above. Just please contact this woman and let her know about her mother. If you can scan a yearbook picture of her, you have no idea how happy that would make her. As an adoptee, I want to know the truth. I’m an adult and can handle any circumstance. I would give anything to hear the tiniest, most minute detail of my mother’s life, or see a picture of her. Also, people can and do turn their lives around, especially where addiction is involved.
3.
Melissa commented on September 23, 2008 at 9:22 am
That is a hard question. Maybe her mom is a different person now. Maybe just telling her that you saw her mom when she was pregnant with her would be good enough.
4.
Jodapoet commented on November 12, 2008 at 2:20 pm
It’s a tough one but I think I would tell her. She needs to know and maybe by bringing them together things would change.